Friday, January 13, 2006

Interior Rain

I am normally a reasonably pleasant, passionate person. I try to spend all of my energy on things I like, which is a generally good formula for staying sane. (No one manages it entirely) There are far more things that I do like than that I dislike. I hope to stay this way.


I seem to have got a hormonal rain cloud following me around. I'm sure it's largely due to perpetually feeling icky physically, but I'm becoming a much less pleasant person than I like to think myself. And not just toward other people. I don't get delighted by delightful things they way I used to. I'm having a devil of a time feeling any emotion that requires energy at all. I have an overabundance of reasons to be emoting in any which direction right now, and I'm just sort of numb and mildly ornery. It's terribly sad to me, I used to be a person chuck full of emotion. Today I feel like a robot - going through the motions that get me to and from work, and looking forward to.... what? I look forward to sleeping, but sleeping hasn't been all that pleasant lately between congestion, heartburn and trips to the bathroom. I'm just hoping, with all the hope I have left, that along with relief from morning sickness (which may or may not disappear in the next two weeks) will come a return to my more human self, capable of feeling things and looking forward to things and worrying about things again.

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