Saturday, December 23, 2006

Wee hours of the morning and my mind is plugging away

I should so totally be sleeping right now. I've been up working on some Christmas presents (since I'm basically making everything I'm giving away this year from scratch...not by choice but by monetary default) and my mind is just weaving all over the place.
It's been ages since I've taken the time to write a good, intelligent, comment-worthy post (and I know it). In the ideal universe that only exists inside my head I'd like to write fascinating witty posts every time I write, rather like Jeff or Tracy. But if I were to set such a high standard for myself, I'd get very little posted. (You might notice Jeff's most recent post is from back in November. I think he struggles with my same struggle, only ends on the other side of the fence). I end up posting a lot that is less than stellar because I figure Ali Edwards may not be able to instill me with talent, but she has taught me to think 2 important thoughts "It is OK" and "Embrace imperfection". I think one of those two thoughts almost everytime I press that publish button, knowing that I'm sending something less than perfect into the world. If I hold out for perfection in my life I'm going to spend a lot of unneccesary time beating myself up and being disappointed. I'll try to enjoy what I have.

It is occasionally insanely difficult to enjoy what you have when you are a broke college student's wife. It is psychologically taxing to be so poor that money is a constant issue. Every.little.thing. We're working on solutions and we'll be okay. And at any rate it is only four years. But I tell you, it's exhausting.

I'm kind of sad about Sir Oliver's first Christmas. I wish I could do something wonderful for him. I feel like such a bad mom - between no money and no room in the luggage he isn't getting a single Christmas present from his parents. I know that he's too young to care or notice, but I still feel like an absolute failure, and like I'm ruining his first Christmas. Bad Bad mom.

And my Christmas present from Oliver - he's sleeping so well at night! Who could ask for anything more?! I have the greatest baby, and I love him more every day. He's a mellow kid who only gets upset when he has a good (and easily identifiable) reason. He gives smiles and kisses that just make me all gooey inside and he'd rather be with me than with anyone else. He is my personal (high maintenance) fan club. He thinks I'm beautiful on both my best and worst hair days. He likes to take my face in both hands and suck on my chin to tell me he's hungry. He falls asleep in 30 seconds flat once I convince him he's tired. Listening to him breathe at night makes me happy.

Life is good. (Albeit complicated, frightening, and sad in small doses as well).
My life is in a pretty great place right now.


wjh said...


I know it is hard to believe, but these "hard" times of struggling financially will be some of your best times. Money only complicates life (as a general rule). Also, realize that the gift of life is the best gift you can give Sir Oliver. A loving home and a testimony of the Savior are close seconds.

hairyshoefairy said...

Agreed. We've been in a similar situation. It's hard and scary, but somehow we all make it through. I know it's hard, but don't beat yourself up too much. You're not a bad mama. If fact, you are a pretty darn cool mama. Sir Oliver is a lucky kiddo. I love Ali Edwards. Just keep repeating those two things she says to yourself. "It's okay." "Embrace imperfection." Besides, perfect is rather boring, don't you think?

hairyshoefairy said...

Oh, yeah. And (((hugs)))

tracy m said...

Boy, your dad is a smart man.

Embracing imperfection is probably the theme song for my life... thanks for the nod about my writing, but I promise you, I feel just like you most days. I worry I'm not doing enough or giving enough or being good enough- at mamahood, wifehood, womanhood- you name it...

Being broke is really hard while you're there, and we're a few years removed from college now, but when we look back, those really were some of our best times. We had nothing- at one point, I was sick and David went to the grocery store and stole some cold medicine for me- how's that for broke? (Yes, we paid them back when we got paid!)

You're such and awesome, loving mom to Sir O; he couldn't want for more. Presents are no stand in for a mama who loves him. Don't worry about his first Christmas. Before you know it, he will be five, losing teeth right and left and clammoring for all kinds of toys and misssing what you are trying to teach him about the real meaning of Christmas... or maybe that's just in my house!

Love to you and yours,

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