Friday, May 18, 2007


So, I guess it's all about control, isn't it?
This little blog is probably the only area of my life over which I have any real control.... but just about everything I try to do lately is about having more control. I want to feel like I'm in control of my life; my time especially... Like I can control myself and be a productive person.

The fact of the matter is that I'm at a place in my life where I have very very little control. I can't control my home, make it the way I want it to be, because it's a run-down rental. I can't control my family's outward appearance the way I would like because... well we are ridiculously poor. I can't control where I am, physically, most of the time because Mr Renn needs the car for school.
And truth be told, just being in control of my time, in tiny momentous increments is hard with the combined black holes of Sir O and you, dear Internet.

I am craving control. Not even consistency, just control. I want to be able to want something and have it actually happen. In a relatively short period of time..... not necessarily instant gratification, but something that takes less than 5 years would be nice. Dreaming and scheming for the future is nice and all, but it starts to feel totally fake after a while.

I want to feel just that much more in control of tiny aspects of my life. I want more things to be on purpose. I want the time I get out of bed in the morning to be on purpose. I want the sequence of events that leads from there to having both Sir O and I being fed and dressed to be on purpose. I'd really like to have the way Sir O and I are dressed to be on purpose too.... but I suppose I'm being unreasonable. I'd like the way my home looks, and is organized to be on purpose. I'd like to find a way around all the random piles of homeless items....besides hucking them (that's Renn's solution...I'm slightly more pack-rat-y). I'd like to have more control over how my family eats, I go on sprees of planning meals, but when I reach the end of a spree I have at least 2 weeks of "hmmm....what's in the fridge" foraging.

You see, it's all about control, and wanting to have more of it. I assume it never gets any better, but a part of me has to believe that it will. Otherwise I think I might throw in the towel now.


tracy m said...


Me too.

tracy m said...

You know, as an afterthought, I think I'm just now, after 8 years of marriage, on the brink of having some of what I want.

We were like you for so long, rentals, student loans, and all that goes with it- even when we bought our first house, I didn't pick it out, and I knew we wouldn't be staying here for long... so even then the transience didn't go away.

Just now, on the brink of selling house #1 and buying house #2, I think what I am most excited about is that *I* chose this new house. Not because it was all we could afford, not because we were in a hurry, not because of anything except I really love it, and want to live there a really really long time.

It's a lovely, calm and sweet type of excitement. I don't think it would mean as much if we hadn't gone through the lean years.

Big help I am, eh?

Everything else in my life is crazy and WAY out of control, if that's any consolation.

Deena said...

Being relatively new to this whole mom thing, I've been thinking along similar lines lately. I feel like I'm treading water just as fast as I can, and my head is barely staying above the water. Not having the money to do the things you want--even little things--is really hard. Even if you know it's going to end in X number of years. It doesn't make it any easier RIGHT NOW. So, I definitely feel you. (figuratively, of course.)

I'm just glad that we have cool, enlightened people like Tracy to help us feel better.

hairyshoefairy said...


Guinevere said...

Not that it makes it any better, but...

Everyone I know who asks about how we're doing in our "grad school years" seems to remember their own in a rosy glow. There must be some sort of blessed amnesia that sets in some years down the road. Like child birth?

For now I'm fighting entropy. When the ground was cursed and started growing noxious weeds it also sprouted clutter, cottonwood fluff, and being putting on hold by customer service that's been outsourced to some poor soul up in the middle of the night in Asia.

If I were rich (or just not also a starving student wife) I'd send you one of these:

Since I'm not I'll just send happy thoughts.

em said...

I wish I had some words of encouragement, but I can only say that's just how grad school life rolls. :) I'm new to the mom thing so I may bit a bit too optimistic! But "some day" will come and until then, we've just got to get our creative juices flowing so we can view our day-to-days as achievements.

Angela said...

No worries, further control is yours to be had as time goes by. (Or maybe you just grow accustomed to the lack of it.) No, seriously you will gain far more control and order in your life as Oliver gets older.

My I also recommend Flylady? She's a home organization guru and I think her methods are helpful for adding control. (I have yet to implement many of them, but she has helped my perpective on control and on dinner and cleanliness.) Flylady can be found at (That is if you haven't heard of her already.)

I think control is a universal desire, whether you are 12 months or 112.

aLi said...

EM, you have to get this cookbook. I use it all the dang time. (I say dang because, well, it can be a chore to cook.)
I'm telling you, every day I use this cookbook. The author of it is from right here in Davis County. The meals/menus are simple enough to just pull out of your cupboard. Check it out.
My biggest empathies I send to you.

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