Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Quagmirey deepness ahead.

I'm stuck. In a funk. Not progressing.
I've been a moody devil.
Poor Mr Renn has had a snarkey wife, prone to biting heads off.

Is it hormones? Am I depressed? What gives?

I've been astounded at how tunnel-visioned I've become, and how forgetful of important things. I had to put Sir O to bed by myself last night and I totally spaced reading scriptures and praying. No wonder he couldn't sleep. What's the matter with me?! It's not like I consciously chose not to do those things, I completely spaced it.

A conversation in institute class yesterday went in the direction of "when you get stuck, it's because you've become invested in your sins."

Well dang, what am I invested in?

Problem is I'm too physiologically distracted to figure it out.

Mostly I'm just tired. Really really tired. People ask me how the Captain is sleeping. I just smile. It's not his strong point folks. I haven't slept for 4 hours straight since he was born.

I've stumbled across some things I'd like to read to try to figure myself out. Contentment sounds like a fabulous read for a mother, and Matters of the Mind sounds like a good resource to have on hand, period. But I've got a mountain of reading right now. I've got two books about raising strong-willed children and this one about spirituality and homemaking. Reading another book is probably not going to make it on the agenda for a bit.

This exhaustion, this grind, this distraction, it's all normal right? It's supposed to be hard and I'm invariably going to vascillate in my ability to cope? I hope hope hope.


aLi said...

I feel the funk, too. I cope by turning on Squarebob (Conrad's choice) and zoning out with blogs and facebook. I feel un-healthy doing it, yet it's my way to cope through this "phase" however long it may last.
At least I'm not zoning out with hard liquor or drugs!!! That's what I need to focus on! hahaha.

From one coping mom to another, take care of yourself. Just take care of yourself! I'm sure you've heard it before, but you can't help someone else unless you help yourself.

Katie May said...

Not that this will be helpful at all, but I went through this when Mayzie was about the same age as Graham. I felt like since my "baby" was 7 months or so that I really couldn't use that as an excuse to my exhaustion. But in the end, I realized that having kids is just...hard. And it doesn't really matter how old they are, etc. because when you feel that way, it's just HARD. Nothing insightful here other than knowing that talking about it somehow made it more bearable. You're off to a good start!

Ashley said...

I would just blame the humidity. It makes everything unmotivating and awful!

Tracy M said...

Em, I'm going to email you tonight, right after I get my kids bathed and in bed...

It might be just a funk, but don't write yourself off so quickly. You matter, and you are important IN your family, and TO your family.

Lauren and Tyson Fiala said...

It is normal, you are normal. Life is hard, especially as a mom with young children. I think being sleep deprived makes everything worse. I am not a happy person at all when I am really tire...and I wish I could find a way to work through that. I’m sorry you are not getting good sleep yet. I don’t think it was until Ellie turned a year that she started sleeping well either. Let me know about those books. They all sound really good.

Krystal said...

Hang in there. I think at one point or another we all feel like life is dark. Crazy as it sounds the light to life is's just a matter of time before you feel/see it again. My guess is you need some sleep. I'm one of those people who just has to have it or I'm not too happy! A baby that doesn't sleep makes life hard. So all send a little pray your way. Who knows just maybe the Captian will like his sleep! Hang in there and remember to not be to hard on yourself.

The Hodges Family said...

Oh Em...I feel you 100%....and I dont have 2 small kids at home...only one VERY strong willed 6 year I can imagine how you must feel. Just know you are not alone. I often feel very alone in my darkness and its very hard to get out of it. I love you and wish we were closer to share stories and such. Please know I think of you often and look forward to your blog daily. I relate oh so much to things you say...maybe...being related? =) I love you cousin Em!!!

The Libutti Family said...

Thinking of you. Hang in there.

Martha said...

I've been in a funk too. I'm so sorry that we do live close, and yet we don't ever seem to cross paths very much. I didn't know the Captain sleeps so little. That alone makes life much harder to endure.

All I can say is hang in there. Pray with all your might that you can find the answer for you... an outlet for yourself and a solution to help the little guy sleep! I only know from other's experiences that this time will pass and you will find your life again. It'll be different, but maybe not so foggy. :)

Lacey said...

yes it is hard, and yes you are normal, but girlfriend, you gotta read a book or talk to your doctor about getting your boy to sleep through the night. seriously i think sleep deprivation is the worst thing for a mom to experience. i didn't sleep for 1 1/2 weeks straight when halle was born and i was crazy. i wasn't myself and i wasn't helping anyone by not doing anything about it. anyway it is always easier said than done, but i am praying for you! good luck!

Aby Runyan said...

First on your list should be the sleeping problem! That will KILL your brain. No more than 4 hours at once, pure torture.

I don't know what they're called, but I know there are sleep systems out there. If I were you, I'd be trying them all! Maybe not all at once however.

Good luck, get some sleep, your mind will clear. No you're not actually depressed, just down and tired. It will pass, probably the day after you get a full nights sleep!

luvs, aby

Cam said...

>Quagmirey deepness ahead.
I'm stuck. In a funk.<

I'm sorry if this is in anyway related to your not being able to attend Grandma's birthday celebration or the Hess reunions.

The posts that talk about raising kids being just plain hard are correct...and it doesn't help at all to be so far away from family. It was hard on Kim to raise 5 kids mostly on her own beyond the immediate help of family. I'm glad that you've got friends close by both physically and virtually. The Internet DEFINITELY has its good points.

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