Sunday, January 31, 2010

What I want and why it matters

After a weekend stuffed to the gills with class, my head is heavy with thinking over options. I have too many. And anytime you have more than one choice, it helps to have a preference. It is a good thing, I think, to know what you want and to go after it. (While being flexible, of course). But this is an opinion I've been slow to put into practice. I don't think I've known much about my own passions for a number of years now. I've been too preoccupied being flexible and accommodating and un-disappointable. ( It's impossible to achieve pure dispassionate un-disappointability, fyi). Suddenly I find myself the most wishy-washy, spineless, pathetic version of my own personality. I am not a fan.

I may have been too quick to embrace the reality that control is an illusion. I think that despite my inevitable rendezvous with entropy, I need to inject my life with more passion, energy, structure, and purpose.

I just started reading this little book, "Steady Days" and while it's not really anything brilliant or new, it's nice to be told that the structure I'm longing for (and having such trouble implementing) would be good for all parties involved. The book is also giving me lots of opportunities to pause and wonder why God saw fit to give me such a strong-willed first child. I love him, I'll keep him, but He will make this job hard for a long time yet.

Los Hermanos

I'm hoping to set aside some time this week to ponder some big questions and set some concrete goals. What do I want for and out of my life personally, professionally, temporally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally? (and all those "ally" words start looking like they must be spelled wrong when you type them in a row)

What do you feel passionate enough about that you're able to stay motivated and on track when life gets tricky and when you get tired? I have a lot of bad habits to break. (First and foremost being insomnia.... leading to trying to sleep in, leading to dragging my feet (and resenting the boys for waking me) in the morning, leading to never getting on top of my day, leading to feeling like I have 4 hours of work to do after everyone else is in bed, leading to sleep-deprivation headaches. Tylenol PM may be my short-term solution).

Motivation and structure, my holy grail......

(can you tell that the dreaded February has arrived?)


hairyshoefairy said...

I could have written this post recently. Every so often I find myself thinking, "what on earth am I doing with my life?" and then I have to figure out what I want, if it's possible, and how to get it if it is. Sadly, most of what I want is not possible at this point in life and I often have to remind myself "times and seasons." Things won't always be this way and I'm doing what I need to to take care of my family now. I think maybe I need to read that book. I have trouble with the motivation thing, too. Some days I'm all over it. Others? Not so much. If you ever figure out a solution let me know. The closest I've come is telling ODD my goals so he reminds me and pushes me when I don't want to work.

The Libutti Family said...

So much to ponder and consider and pray about... good luck with the journey!!

Carolanne said...

I wonder that same thing. It's all to easy to lose ourselves in the mom thing, and I sometimes wonder what my single self would think of my mom self. Would we have anything in common? Would we even like each other? I know that sounds slightly schizophrenic, but I'm fine, really. I think... :)

But seriously, thank you for the post. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels transparent sometimes. And February may be a huge contributing factor. Hang in there!

pepper said...

I'm struggling with an identity crisis, it's been a shocking surprise.. but so good for me to re-evaluate nearly everything. I've been working through it for over a month and I'm still feeling surprised but so happy to be humbled and making some really different and I hope good choices with my life. Being a mom is so much harder on me then I ever imagined possible. I love your honesty it's so comforting.

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