Wednesday, May 05, 2010


I'm up too late.  My blessing are weighing heavily on me lately.  Change is hard. (and inevitable)  Good change is always preferable over unfortunate change, but it's still hard.  And I'm sitting on a bucket of good change.

I worry about how my kids will handle all this change, but I keep forgetting that they are far more adaptable and resilient than I am.  Still, the instinct to soften and protect is unsmotherable.

My brain moves so slowly through the motions of planning and preparing and maintaining that sometimes I think I'm moving backward.  And I know I'm perpetually forgetting to take care of my prego self. (As much as one can forget).  I sat down on the couch for a moment today because of a dizzy/lightheaded spell - they are becoming increasingly common - and I fell fast asleep, sitting up, within moments.  This is not safe while Sir O is on the loose.  By the time I woke up (and I don't think it could have been long at all) he had destroyed my neat piles of 4 loads of folded laundry and covered himself in green pen.

We had several "your body is a temple" talks today.  He got hung up on the part where he is not a building.

I look around me and all I see is chaos and mess lately.  The more I pack, the more the boys find odd miscellany to strew across all our floors.  Almost everything that I used to make my home feel attractive to me is out of sight.  I am pretty much convinced that all my boxes labelled "decor" are also housing the source of my missing bursts of energy.  It's funny what a difference small things make to me.  What I wouldn't give for a pretty, calm corner to retreat to when I need to recharge.  Except that's constantly lately, and I am not allowed to retreat.  It is charge, and charge some more in the battle against entropy.  The move must go on.

I am frequently scolded for making the business of packing harder than it needs to be.  But I know we will (yet again) be living with most of our belongings in a storage unit.  If we are to be able to access things when we need them, then I must be thorough and organized now.  Based on my experience the last time we did this, I'm convinced I will thank myself later.  I had better thank myself later, because it is currently a pretty thankless prospect.

I've had more than several moments this week of being seized with terror at the idea of having more children than hands.

I'm going to go eat a pickle and go to bed now.  Please, please, let sleep find me before my bladder forces me out of bed.


pepper said...

I'm sorry.. hope you are now sleeping soundly. Change is so hard, I break out in hives just thinking about the mess of moving and I cannot imagine the stress of packing up with two kids and one on the way, yikes! I feel for you and hope you have help and the best of every scenario happens for you over the next few months.

The Blandon's said...

Oh the dreaded packing! Well if it makes you feel any better, I am envious of you guys moving on. I wish we were done with school too!

Katie May said...

Gah! It's painful to read without being able to help. Sending organized thoughts your way!

And just think of it this way: I don't see how you could possibly get any more exhausted. So having three might not feel much different than it is now! (or that's what I tell myself daily and it seems to work...staying positive...)

Brittany said...

You'll be glad when you unpack, that you packed so thoroughly. I hope you got some rest last night. It is ok to take breaks once in a while Em!

Angela said...

Your posts constantly give me flashbacks. Sir O and the chaos he can create reminds me of a younger Spencer (Thankfully Spencer has out-grown some of his disasterous tendencies.), the packing mess, the stress over baby #3 (and the current panic I occassionally feel over number 5), all of it is a reminder of past phases of my life. I also remember worrying about how my children would handle the dramatic change of moving cross-country. My mother-in-law gave me really good advice. She told me what mattered to the children is that the family is still in-tact, which it appears to be, as long as the family stays the same the kids will be fine. She was right. My kids have yet to struggle in the slightest with moving. For them, it is a new and exciting adventure. I wish I could bottle some of their resiliance because, for me moving is always an anxiety filled prospect.

I'm probably a little behind the times, but where are you headed?

Also, three children can be a challenge, but it is SO worth it. I spoke to a mother of seven once and she told me having seven is in some ways like having one, you have some really good days and some really bad days. The one thing I've learned about adding children to a family is that with the birth of each new child I should plan on falling apart and struggling for a time, but I know it won't last forever. Hope is huge.

Keep up the good work! You are doing great!

Aby Runyan said...

Oh how I am feeling your pain at THIS VERY MOMENT. Course I'm not in the midst of moving - which I contend is the WORSTEST thing ever. But I am 30 weeks pregnant and it's taking a toll larger than I ever expected. A 2 day trip with my family cost me my voice, seriously it is totally gone and not because of any kind of screaming whatsoever. Apparently over-doing it at a theme park (or just DOING a theme park) while 30 weeks into your fourth pregnancy can strip you of your voice. Or maybe that's just me and my overly weak self. Ugh.
I even had the audacity to cry to my husband about how hard this all is, RIGHT AFTER watching Nie-Nie's video on

Wow am I a jerk.

So there ya go. You aren't alone. Not that that should make you feel better or anything. I just thought you should, ya know, know.

luvs, aby

hairyshoefairy said...

I've got to say, you will be so grateful you organized all your stuff as you packed it for a storage unit. I know you've done it before. So have I. It's worth the time!! I can't believe how quickly it's coming right up! Take a lovely break from packing for a while. It will still all be there when you get back.

The Libutti Family said...

Wish I had some breathtakingly good, sound advice to heap on you... but all I can say is keep plugging along. You're fabulous. Everything will work out wonderfully. I'm thinking of you. :)
And one more thing... every day this week I said, "I think I'll start packing today!" and not one box has been touched.

The Skinners said...

Being pregnant with 2 little ones to chase is definately hard. I admire you for the packing and moving along with that. But one great thing is, you are moving by your family! How wonderful once you get there! We are coming to Utah in July... we need to see you guys.

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