Friday, June 25, 2010

on crows feet and gestational acne

I haven't been smiling much lately.

Kason's teeball game

I haven't been sitting up straight either.

Both of which might be attributed to the part where being pregnant is none fun and rather hard on my particular body.

Not to mention my prego-mama acne.  I've got at least one funny story from each pregnancy, and so far this time Sir O has offered to get me a bandaid for the owies on my face....

It's cool.  I love having mottled scar tissue all over my visage, it adds character.  Or something.

Now that my test is behind me, it is not much fun to be the "not busy" person surrounded by "busy people" who have "important", or at least demanding things to do.  Aside from giving me an inferiority complex,  it pretty much blows all chances of an afternoon nap, or even of putting one's feet up for 10 minutes.  Which sounds luxurious really, but I think for me it might actually be a necessity.  A necessity that I have to find a way to live without, because my need for a nap (when all I've done is shuffled around behind my kids all day) can hardly compete with deadlines and jobs and classes and rehearsals.  Around these parts people stay on their toes, and if you're not "busy" somebody will ask you to do something pretty quickly.  It's a big house, there's always lots that needs to be done.Too big actually, and the list of things to do overwhelms me (and my paltry energy) pretty quickly.  

I remind myself a dozen times a day that I'm gestating, and that gestating is important.  Dang it.

I have caught Mr Renn's cough, which I can dub the most annoying cough in all the world.  And it's currently being aggravated by the neighbor's cottonwood trees.  I love trees; I miss my PA trees something fierce, but for these trees I have nothing but the fiery hatred of intense eternal loathing.

Mr Renn is much too productive at home when he's not actively employed (only 4 more days).  This sounds like a blessing, but when he expects me (pregnant me) to be just as productive as he is, it is not a blessing.  I cannot do it, and we have a rift.  Rifts are not blessings.

So this is me, sitting in a nest of pregnancy woes and hormones, while the rest of my current world whizzes around at a dizzying pace.  It's not a very conducive environment for finding one's bearings.  Thus I have not got mine, and I can barely keep a day ahead of myself, resulting in some embarrassing pleas for babysitters.  And some considerable listlessness.

One of these pregnancies I'm going to actually be able to do something about that nesting instinct when it kicks in.  But not this pregnancy.  I actually think that being able to nest is a huge part of a mother's ability to define her environment, and her role, and feel confident about her impact on her family, and subsequently the world at large.  Thus, living in borrowed space, and under conditions where I cannot do one dollop of nesting (outside of cleaning... and scrubbing toilets isn't particularly fulfilling for me) is making me a little insecure.

Negative, negative, negative post?  Why yes, yes it is.  Mostly because I just needed to decompress a bit.  And also because I desperately miss my PA institute class and the boost it gave me every week.  I find myself rather easily deflated without it, and there is no comparable experience currently available to me.  If I can get my act together I may be able to initiate something entirely of my own gumption and volition, but you may have noticed the lack of gumption and volition in this post, and be able to anticipate the problem there.  I was really enjoying having heaps of spiritual insight, inspiration, and motivation land in my lap in return for the simple act of showing up (usually without having done my assigned reading).  That went WAY BEYOND being a tender mercy.

But now that all of that is outside of me and buzzing in the whiny quadrant of the blogosphere, I fully intend to pull myself up by the prego bootstraps, and count my blessings and unapologetically tackle my necessary list.
That will fix everything, and don't I know it!  If only knowing and doing were the same thing.  In the meantime, if you see me and I look a bit droopy, just assume I haven't figured out the doing part just yet.

dinosaur monument hike


hairyshoefairy said...

Oh, the fatigue. I'm sorry about that. I hope you can find something to give you a boost the way your institute class did. Also? We should play! Even if it doesn't give you a boost it would certainly give me one!

Aubrey said...

Ah Emily. You need more mercy...for yourself! Building a human is by far the task that requires more energy than any other, and more important! You are doing more than anyone with their to-do lists and seemingly productiveness. And... to make you feel better: I fear we will not be having institute at all this summer. It was canceled last week and will be again this week as they fumigate the church for a possible bed bug infestation. Now, doesn't that sound like something you WANT to miss?

Ashley said...

Em, your beautiful. And I think anyone would be lucky to look like you pregnant!

Brittany said...

I agree with Ashley and Aubrey! You are beautiful and much too hard on yourself. But if you are feeling down, I'd be happy to take the boys for a couple hours for you so you can rest...not work! Ok, if you really want to accomplish things, that's fine too. :)

Miss Crys said...

I hear ya girlie! I didn't think the post was negative...simply honest! What most of us would like to say at times, but we don't. Living in borrowed space is really hard! I did it for 4 years--broken up, but it was VERY hard!!! Good luck!

Shannon Castleton said...

Emily, I feel like a looker-in to your blog--our friendship is two dinners and a sleepover (plus some good treats, which equate to significant bonding), but in that time, you've come to embody this to me: 'Progress, and improve upon and make beautiful everything around you. Cultivate the earth and cultivate your minds...[M]ake gardens and orchards and vineyards....[C]ontinually seek to adorn your minds with all the graces of the Spirit of Christ.'

Pregnancy acne's nothing. I showcased a face made-over by what we call the pregnancy cheese grater. I have pictures.

Sara said...

I so understand what you're going through. Hate it. Thanks for your honesty. makes me feel like less of a loser when I complain too!

Camille Spence said...

I was going to say you should sign up for an institute class around your area...but I guess that got cancelled because of nasty bugs. Drats. But maybe still look around? Join a YSA institute class and really freak them out with your growing tummy? haha. Maybe not. But cheer up. I think you look stinking adorable as a prego lady, and I've never actually been pregnant so I don't know what it feels like..but this too will pass. And not a downer honest one. And I wish I could write like you and make my blog even slightly interesting. Feel better though!! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers!!

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