Thursday, November 11, 2010

respite

I am amazed at how much more thinking I get done with Mr Renn at home.  It's still not an impressive amount by any means, but it actually occurs in increments of 2 minutes or longer.  Per usual, I never appreciate what I have until I have to do without it for a while.  When will I ever get ahead of that curve?

The Captain has been acting out in terribly unattractive ways.  Primary among them has been the new use of an emphatic, "no!" It's hard to fully appreciate how moody it is, since the picture of him using any word emphatically is so darn cute.  He's also taken to throwing things - hard - often at my parents' television.  Bad news.  Somehow I have to manage giving him more attention that is not associated with his bad behavior.  It still won't be enough attention to negate the bad behavior.  I don't have the resources to give any one child of mine that kind of attention right now.

the captain

Autumn came and went in one fell swoop around here this year.  I'm glad I got out and enjoyed it when I did, because it appears to be over.  In less than 2 weeks all the leaves turned and then fell.  And poor Mr Renn spent most of his morning raking them up.  Luckily he did remember to incorporate some play with his work.  I am reasonably confident that Sir O will have fond memories of playing in the leaves, even though we only managed to get out and facilitate it 3 times.

raking leaves

I am really hating the phenomenon of a postpartum body.  I'm not 6 weeks out yet, so I'm not supposed to be exercising, but the sensation of having an extra 2-5 inch layer of fleshiness on every parameter of my being is making me feel like I'm running in sand.  Plus I have no clothes that fit.  Maternity pants fall down because they're too big and non-maternity pants fall down because they're too small. (Even when spanxing) Well, that and I have no waist just now.  That's not helping.  I'm not a big proponent of the quest to be skinny, but I can appreciate the quest to have one's clothing fit well.... and I'm in no position to be buying new clothes, so the excess is going to have to go.

This is the sad reality of my pregnancies.  I spend the 3rd trimester being told what a cute little pregnant body I have.  (Granted, I  hear this less and less with each subsequent gestation) and then out pops the baby, and suddenly my body is floppy and squishy and round and swollen in the corners and the complements become sparse or qualified.  Somehow saying "You look good for having just had a baby" doesn't come across with the same meaning as "You look good."  It seems to mean more, "You look good for having crossed no man's land in broad daylight during combat after spending weeks imprisoned in solitary confinement and fed a diet of lard and vinegar."  Not that I thrive on complements (though validation is one of my love languages,) but the contrast always strikes me.

Gentleman and his neck control

The little Gentleman is a pretty quiet little guy.  He's reasonably content other than the collicky spells.  (And yes, the gripe water is helping, but not altogether alleviating the problem).   I hope hope hope I'm managing to bond with him at a reasonable rate.  There are so many things and people yelling at me all the time, and I can't seem to even recognize what the balance I ought to strive for would look like.  (Unless it looks like an extra 12 hours in the day, which is not particularly reasonable).  My self-image is not so great right now, since I drop a lot of balls and all 3 of my children appear to be feeling somewhat neglected.  But I'm not despairing and I still have some momentum and emotional energy - so no imminent threat of a break-down.

We are closing in on the time-frame for making career decisions for Mr Renn.  Part of me gets excited thinking about living like real grown-ups.  But then we look at salaries and loan payments and my excitement gets considerably smothered.  No matter how you slice it, we will be tightening our belts for years yet.  I wish that didn't feel so depressing.  I shall look into fixing my attitude straight away.

4 comments:

hairyshoefairy said...

Your littles are just so darn cute! I'm sure they'll survive somehow. And so will you.

I'm still fighting the good fight of post-pregnancy's extra padding. And I didn't just have a baby. Part of me has just accepted my body will never be the same again.

aLi said...

Em, you're so cute. You gotta love the feeling of running in sand. :P
Glad Renn is home! Glad you're getting closer and closer to your career!
Good luck with your kids. The words, "take it easy," probably feel like someone mocking you. I hate it when someone says that to me!!!

Liz said...

Darn those post pregnancy hormones turning our brains to mush. I think I hit my lowest self esteem point after Abby, it is hard to see ourselves clearly when our brains are swimming in fuzz-land.

Hang in there. I think you're pretty much amazing, and I love your posts. I'm always so impressed with your them and how witty and charming your writing is (I always click over as soon as I see you've made a new post).

Hope your sleep comes in larger lumps and that the boys stumble upon a natural sedative that makes them want to just cuddle in bed with you all day.

Carolanne said...

I hate that Extra fluffy feeling too! And it comes off more slowly for me every time (although the fact that I feel like I need more sugar to cope each time might have something to do with that) It won't be long before you feel like you're back on top. Thanks for your honesty and brilliancy in writing. I enjoy your posts.

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