Thursday, October 25, 2012

failure appears to be an option

With 2 weeks to go until my due date, I am 3 cm dilated and braxton-hicks-ing myself to death.  I cannot claim to be ready for the baby yet, but once nursery, new car seat, and layette make some more headway (Why hello UPS man.,  You're right - I do buy a lot online, and you are here more days than not.  You try going into a store with this flock of crazies.)  I'll be ready to call it "good enough."  I'm always learning that the secret to parenting multiple small children is a constant practice in lowering the bar.

In the meantime my children are sick to tears of having an incapacitated mother.  Life is soooooo boring when your mother moves like a sloth and can't get up off the floor without assistance or an extra 5 minutes.

Christmas is mostly planned and about half purchased.  I intended to have that under control by now, but at least I'm not entirely unprepared.  I expect life to whiz by me rather crazy-like once we finish gestating.

I hate lunch. Lunch hates me.  Every day we have to deal with each other.  Anyone who's ever dealt with afternoon kindergarten knows what I mean.

I've got to figure out a way to be at peace with Sir O's kindergarten homework.  I understand that they really want the kids to do things at home that reinforce what they are learning, and that practice is great.  But my child is not adjusting well to having to deal with "homework" every single day.  More that once I have signed it off without actually making him do it.  There is an option for "parent choice" instead of the suggested assignment.  Am I teaching him dishonesty?  Or just making the decision that is best for my high-strung kid?  He just so desperately needs to unwind right after school, and then making him come back to earth and do more "school stuff" (that nearly always involves sitting still) is rather like asking him to scratch his own eyeballs out.  He's just so very kinetic.

Mr Renn has officially declared himself a weekday vegetarian.  This has been surprisingly easy to accomodate.   But dinner time still sneaks up on me some days.  I really enjoy cooking, but any job that doesn't stay "done" once you've "done" it is bound to wear out it's welcome some days.  (i.e. all those "mom" jobs - cooking/cleaning/laundry/dishes).  I keep reminding myself that it's a way to serve and show love to my family.  This works except for those times when certain short members of my family refuse to eat what I've made, or un-clean a room within minutes, or dump all the neatly folded clothes out of their drawers.  Then I have really strong urges to cry or yell.  And I don't always catch myself in time.  This can accurately be interpreted to mean that more than one of my children are going through a hunger-strike-phase.

I'm working on having a "key" word to remind myself to not get angry.  Have you ever tried this approach?  So far it's helping in my corner, but not completely eradicating the flashes of red-hot anger.  Or is it just red-hot exhaustion displayed in the form of desperate anger?

Heartburn this time around is - wow.  I literally feel like the burning sensation is taking my breath away and suffocating me half of the time I should be sleeping.  So we'll not anticipate a bald baby girl, although the irony of such would be appropriate in my life.   Also - exceptional leg and foot cramping, usually at night.  You know night, that time when I really need to be sleeping in order to function the next day?

Some people can buck up and soldier on.  And for the most part that's what I'm trying to do.  I just never quite feel like I'm managing to do any of it satisfactorily.  And that's with me being infinitely kinder to myself than I was the last time I was trying to raise small children while gestating.

It's an impatient time, this last leg of baby-building.  I'm so ready to feel better, and so NOT ready to meet the needs of a newborn.  You're never ready for that.  Nor for the sleep deprivation that leaves you so desperate you burst into unprovoked hysterics..   Oh yes, that's probably in the cards for my near future.  Kind of hard to look forward to that part.  BUT we are all getting excited to actually meet this baby girl and figure out who she is.

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