Sunday, February 23, 2014


I find myself in an interesting position, and I'm constantly muted by it.

The things on my mind
  •  insane sleep deprivation (I am writing this at 2:30 am, which is about the average time I'm getting to bed these days).  But if I try to articulate how this is a defining part of my life, I have to work around the part where it's my choice.  And I feel like if I were to complain about how hard it is, I'd have an imaginary reader telling me that it's my own fault, I chose this and I didn't have to go back to school.  Whatever that means.  So I keep mum most of the time.
  • House shopping.  Because I need more going on in my life.  But it's very much on my mind because were we to buy a house and need to move, oh holy cow the way my life would implode.  And since most of what we're considering seriously are short-sales, we are also dealing with the incalculable process that is waiting and seeing, and having no idea when you will hear good or bad news.  (Even more tenterhooks when you are not the first offer)  There are about 500 possible case scenarios, and I have tried to think through and tentatively plan for most of them. I am working on being more comfortable praying through this process.  It seems so frivolous to be praying for help finding a house when we are reasonably comfortable where we are, and so many people we know are dealing with situations that seem so much more dire.  I know God still cares, but I feel sheepish about articulating how much I care.  It feels shallow and materialistic to pray for more square footage when you are already living in more comfort and luxury than the vast majority of the people in the world.
  • Midterms and term papers and really difficult readings (Barthes and Derrida were killer for me last week) and finding time and mental space in my life to tackle such things every day. And the part where I don't finish everything just the way I'd like to and I'm not staying ahead on planning for future months and projects and semesters.  Also, coming up with tuition for Spring and Summer terms. 
  • Laundry. Because the moment I feel caught up and allow myself to tackle other domestic tasks, it rears up in heaps and bites me from behind.
  • Worrying about my kids.  They are fantastic kids, but each of them have plenty of idiosyncrasies that give me plenty to worry about.  Though per usual, Sir O wins the prize with his oppositional defiance.  


Ellen said...

I'd come do your laundry every week if I could. I so want you to succeed! Keep your chin up.

Lacey said...

why did you choose to go back to school at this time in your life?

i am in a similar situation (4 young children wise) and can't even imagine how you do it?

Em said...

@lacey - because I realized it was never going to get any easier. The longer I wait, the harder it will be. It will always be hard, so if it was something important to me (and it was) waiting for it to get easier was certainly going to backfire.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...