Thursday, June 22, 2006

My Mighty Morphin' Power Pregnancy

Just taking a moment to ponder who I am, now that I'm no longer who I was.

Well, not so much on a philosophical level, I'm talkin' 'bout my B-O-D-Y.
Because I'd swear I've been body-snatched. And yes, this will be WAY TMI.

And yeah, I know this happens to everybody, but it's never happened to me before.

Well, there is the abundance of dark course, whisker-like hair springing from most of my mammalian follicles. Brings new meaning to "You look like a Monkey, and you smell like one too..." Charming.

There's what I'm calling my baby acne. Yesterday my boss asked me if I have a rash on my face. Um, nope, that's just acne. Definitely a high point in my day, don't you think?

My RN mother tells me I have a remarkably dark and distinct Linea Nigra.... that it belongs in a textbook. Great, just what I've always wanted.

And my extra-dark linea nigra is a great complement to the growing bundle of stretch marks (also remarkably dark I'm told) that are only occurring on my right side. Looks like I've been malled by a cat. Great Joy.

I've discovered I have neck-fat. I've never had neck-fat before.

For a while I kept getting the "you don't even look pregnant from the back!" complements. They were great. I don't get them anymore. But I've checked and I definitely resemble a walrus from every angle.

Perpetual congestion - to the point where I don't even think twice about blowing my nose like an elephant in front of people anymore. I'm way too pregnant to care.

Last night while waddling around at a homeshow with Mr. Renn, I elicited the comment, "Honey, you are all baby!" - Um, thanks?

Mr. Renn doesn't have to be asked to help me up stairs and hills anymore, he just knows the routine. Two hands firmly behind the hipbones, and lean forward like you're pushing a non-self-propelled lawnmower. That usually does the trick.

I've been going through 1 bag of twin-pop popsicles every 2 or 3 days.

Speaking of which, I think my core temperature in my torso is about 25 degrees warmer than usual. I sweat so much I've started giving myself rashes. I've taken to inoculating myself with a talc powder before I get dressed in the morning.

Standing up for 10 minutes is now an aerobic exercise.

I snore shamelessly (but Mr. Renn is too nice to complain). Between the squished lungs and the congestion I even snore when I'm awake.

I smell different.

My bladder is squished.

I feel like my baby's punching bag.

I have two moles that have gotten way too big for comfort. Those are definitely coming off.

People make fun of my walk/waddle at work.

My boss says she's surprised to see me every morning when I come in.

It takes me a good 10 seconds to find my center of gravity and get my hips settled when I stand up. Stand up, pause, pause, try to walk/waddle. It's a circus.

I'm a mosquito magnet. How many other organisms can I support with my blood supply?

I haven't gotten out much, so I am pretty doughy white colored, which makes the prominent blood vessels that much more prominent, and the noticeable whisker hairs that much more noticeable.

So.... I'm not feeling so attractive lately. Mr. Renn says he still thinks I'm cute, but maybe that's just the swollen mammaries.
I feel like an elephant seal, a big blubbery ugly one. Well, that or a beached whale.

5 comments:

chan said...

I really think you are a really cute pregnant lady! I got the "all baby" comment ALL THE TIME. I took it as a good thing because that meant (or so I thought) that the only place on me that was big, was my belly! I carried Caden right out front just like you. There are much worse places for the fat to go.... I also got stretch marks that I never saw until I had him. Boy was that fun to discover! They fade quite a bit though. Until you have another one I guess. Great.

hairyshoefairy said...

Don't you also feel like you need a nap all. the. time. I just can't wait to sleep on my stomache again! Love those pics btw! And I assure you, despite what you may feel, and from what I can tell of those cute pictures of you, you in no way resemble either of those animals. You really do look great! And only a month to go! Hooray!

Em said...

Oh yes, I'm so tired all the time that I can't remember what it feels like to not be tired. I'm curious to see if I get a dose of nesting energy. And I wonder, does nesting energy mean you're not tired? Or just that you have enough energy to get stuff done even though you are still dog-tired?

Tracy M said...

Oh, I'm so laughing (with you, not at you!)- and remember I was there too, 8 short weeks ago! Now add almost everything you have goin' on, plus barfing still all day, and a 2 and 4 year old! Bwa ha HA HA HA HA~! (that is lunatic laughter requiring nice men in long white coats...)

You are so so SO close- and I SWEAR it will be so worth it!!

Kristi said...

OH, I am so sorry.

I am about 8 weeks behind you and am already feeling gross, bloated and exhausted. Ugh.

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