Tuesday, September 18, 2007

lists

I'm nearing the end of most of my to-do lists.
That means only the really hard-super procrastinate-able stuff is left. (I have to/get to/choose to make some cradle bedding without a pattern with my remedial sewing skills because I love Ari.)
It also means I had better start setting some new goals and doing some forward thinking.
I've experienced what it's like to suddenly land on the other end of expectations and have nothing left to pull you forward. Several times actually. Ugly.
(not unlike my sentence fragments)

Like the first day you wake up not pregnant, and you realize that the event that you were anticipating with so much angst and excitement and horror has passed. And now suddenly you are a vastly underqualified parent, something you have no idea how to begin doing well (despite all that reading you've been doing). Plus your nether-region hurts like a banshee. (Or you have a foot long incision oozing cottage cheese) Rough moments.

I'm constantly finding I have to reinvent who I am and what is important to me. And I keep finding that I'm surprised by it (the necessity for reinventing). You would think I'd have learned a thing or two by now.
Despite what you may think, I am a very slow learner, at least when it really counts.

The last week or so has been full of mental pauses. Good hard thinking. A friend from highschool passed away. Someone I haven't seen in over 7 years, and who I could have easily have been nicer to. Not that I was vicious or anything, just your regular insecure teenager who occasionally inoculates those around her with the shrapnel of her own insecurity. Enough to make me want to reevaluate my "casual" relationships and acquaintances. Where am I being lazy, or short with my interactions and who is it hurting?

On the same day the first of a slew of new babies was born here in dental-wife-ville. I dealt with the squee(!) giddiness of new life being around. What energy they endow us with! How lucky some children are from conception: good parents, good genes, solid family environment, physical needs easily met, and access to whatever healthcare they might need. How is it that so few end up being that lucky? And why is it that we bring new life around and don't give a thought to the part where everything that lives can only do so temporarily? I'm not saying that life is futile, but somehow the idea that someday, every new baby will die (hopefully long long after they finish being a new baby) is one that just doesn't naturally enter a baby-fied environment. (Well, until you get to the SIDS paranoia phase anyway).

I finished my cyber-bookclub read in a two day streak. I read voraciously with highlighter in hand and I finished with my brain tingling with intellectual conversation-fodder. I quickly added my 2 cents and a few conversation starters on the website, and have now been waiting for what feels like ages for anyone else to jump on my burning bandwagon. Sadly, I think my fire will be all squandered before anything promising turns up. Snap.

Oh, how I miss my college classrooms! I miss engaging in philosophical conversations with my favorite professor(s) and a handful of other choice souls and feeling my brain getting healthier. I miss thinking over those conversations for days afterward and being continually enriched by them. I'm seriously tempted to dig out my college notebooks and re-hash them. Except they are across the country in my parents' basement. Small catch.

So I'm going to resign myself to doing lonely deep-thinking, and possibly finishing Far from the Madding Crowd. Because a little Thomas Hardy goes a long way when doing lonely deep-thinking. (If only he weren't so darn depressing).

What have you been thinking about?

6 comments:

glittersmama said...

Wow em. Good post. I really needed to hear about the need to reinvent oneself. I've been feeling lacking in the "who I am" department lately. Now I just need to choose a spot and dive in.

Best of luck with your cradle bedding. I can't wait to see pictures!

nestle said...

I soooo understand where you are at right now. My mother comes into town every 6 months or so (at least that's as much as I can badger her to come) and helps me reinvent. 2 visits ago she got me into reading. Last visit quilting... again. This time she's having me become a tourist in my city. I love that she sees me getting stagnant and helps me to see that change is good. I love that I have that opportunity to reinvent myself and develop myself in different aspects that noramlly just wouldn't happen. I'm impressed at your ability to do it on your own.

hairyshoefairy said...

Yeah, that reinvention thing certainly rings a bell. Never finished.

I miss those things about college, too. Can we just be real-life neighbors someday so we can talk to each other about things we've read, seen, and are thinking?

Ali said...

Hmm, what am I thinking??? Em- I don't think unless it involves emotion. Lol. I have a hard time being an intellect and thinking of amazing things. (Seriously, it's not possible for my brain!!!) I do sympathize with you for not being able to use your brain like you used to, I guess it stinks. ;)

tracy m said...

We should all live on the same street.

Em, I think you are far better at all this than you give yourself credit for, fwiw.

What have I been thinking about...? Well, since in all likelyhood I am done having babies, I really need to lose the baby weight. Sigh. I need to be better about scheduling. I need to get off the computer and clean my house. I need to make more art. I need to...

Well, the list could never end, if I let it. But, as I've gotten older (Be 35 in about two weeks) I realize that I don't need to count my failings quite so much, and I do better when I think of the things that I HAVE and DO do well.

I do occasionally miss the intellectual stimulation of school, and I think of going back someday and finishing my degree. I think writing for more hard sources also helps me feel more brainy. I submitted a piece to a periodical and they accepted it- which makes me feel like a tiny-bit of a real writer, not just a blogger. Not that there's anything wrong with being a blogger. I need blogging for my sanity.

My mom hasn't seen my kids in over a year- her visits don't really help me reinvent myself- I have to do more self-editing when she is here, and I usually end up with some re-imventing after she leaves and I can exhale. How's that for a run-on sentence?

Brittany said...

Just like you, I've been in the re-inventing stage for about a week. Only this time, it has stuck with me. Usually I decide I will make a change, and just like the new years resolution, it fades into the background with time. I guess my eye opening experience was significant enough to really make me want to focus on being a better person. I am putting the plan into action, and you know what I want to do? Send out some of those care packages like you did. That is a quick way to brighten someone's day, which is one the goals I am working on.

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