Monday, August 11, 2008

straw grasping and other struggles

I'm finding myself in a big, fat rut. I'm just beginning to be able to see through the misery of early pregnancy and the work and messes and forgotten goals that now fill every corner of my home have got me down. All of my momentum was torn to shreds by the puking and the holding still in attempts to minimize the puking. Sir O has had free reign and chaos is king. I have this faint little pilot light of desire to get my life and my home back in order, but the massive scale of the task sets me reeling. It doesn't help that Sir O doesn't allow me any productive time while he's awake. I'm afraid to make a list of everything that needs to be done, because I don't know if I can deal with how long the list will be. Somehow I need to break all this overwhelmed-ness into bite-sized, manageable chunks. It's just that my energy and will-power are still pretty faint and even the task of breaking it all down seems to blow that little pilot light out.

It's moments like this that I really wish I didn't have to be my own boss. I wish somebody else was here to tell me what to do and to keep me on task. As a kid I used to resent my parents so much for doing just that and now I want nothing more than to have that guiding, supervising influence. Somehow I simultaneously want to feel remotely in control of my own life, (as I haven't for a few months now), and want somebody else to take the reigns and get things in order for me.

I can only hope that my energy level increases in the coming days. It is awfully boring to be good for very little besides sleeping and looking/feeling exhausted when you are awake. As much as I love being a mother, I do not love being pregnant. Not one little bit.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Sweetheart! That's miserable! I'm so sorry your feeling overwhelmed. It must be especially frustrating to have a husband that is mostly unavailable to help make it not so overwhelming seeing as how he's at school all day. Yep, pregnancy can really suck sometimes. I often wish for the same direction/guidance you want while still maintaining control. Why does it have to be all or nothing? Keep that little pilot light going and hopefully when you're really fully past the horrible sickies you'll be able to pull it all back together again like the amazing woman you are. And feel free to give yourself a little break; you're growing a baby for heaven's sake! :)

Chantele Sedgwick said...

I'm so sorry Em. It is SO hard being pregnant and sick while trying to be mommy to a toddler, and keeping up with EVERYTHING else! Just take it one day at a time. I tried to do just one thing every day. Even if it was something tiny. I couldn't walk around for very long, (you know how the puking is), so I just tried my best, and my best was sometimes just laying on the couch. You are a wonderful mommy, and you don't have to be "super mom". Hugs for you! I hope the sickiness goes away soon.

Anonymous said...

I have found taking a very small chunk of the house, say, a corner, or a small room, or a closet, and making it my goal for the day JUST to get that small area taken care of, gets me far.

I too feel overwhelmed when I look a the whole kit-and-kaboodle. So, imagine it in small bites. Today, my bite was to get Abby's Laundry put away. Not all the laundry, not all done, not all folded- just Abbys, already clean stuff folded and put away. I can do that.

Hang in there. I hate being pregnant too. HATE it. I would go through ten labor and delivery if I could skip the pregnancy.

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