I couldn't pinpoint which of my numerous stressors is the primary culprit, although I'm willing to bet that sleep-deprivation tops the list. I am just treading water lately, occasionally going under, and never quite getting high enough to actually figure out what direction I'm headed. It's all survival mode, all the time.
Motivation and goals become fuzzy images through all that water. I'm just bobbing between good shining moments with my individual kids and in between I sink into the frey. Weeks slip through my fingers and I have precious little to show for them.
Somebody always, always needs me. There is an intense sweetness to that on principle, but truthfully, it can be overdone. I could use 5 minutes here or there without so much helplessness breathing down my neck.
I need some time to sharpen the saw. My well is running dry. I haven't been taking care of myself much. (Although getting my haircut was a lovely step in the right direction). All the things I should and need to be doing to keep myself centered and motivated keep getting shoved to existential back-burners. Exercise? Schmeh. Meal Planning? Renn will do it. We'll eat more cheese and potato chips, but we won't starve. Prayer? Oh, lots of little 1-sentence ones, but the focused soul searching kind are awfully scarce. And the pondering and listening that should follow prayer? Suspiciously absent.
My biggest failure is (yet again) scripture study. I believe very much that this would make the largest difference of all. And I get so jealous when people describe righteous women who are always curling up with their scriptures because they love them so much. I've had moments like that, but by and large my scripture study lacks the confidence to think that my observations and suppositions amount to anything. Plus, when do I ever do anything without interruption?
I think, for mother's day, I should like a very large nap. And an hour to curl up with the good book. Anyone care to communicate that request to the three little men who won't let it happen?
3 comments:
No having time alone is a huge drain. I'm sorry you're dealing with that right now. Thank goodness Renn's on-call rotation is over so hopefully you can squeeze a bit more in. You're wonderful and I love you. Don't give up. Eventually you'll find a little island to beach on for a moment so you can get your bearings again before diving back in. I understand the overwhelming leading to apathy. It happens to everyone, I think. In a way, at least it's nice to know you're perfectly normal.
Give yourself a break lovely lady, you accomplish so much more than the average woman who doesn't have 3 little kids. Breathe, sigh and every now and then, lock the door to the bathroom when you go - they'll survive.
i totally know what you mean. I just read Laura's (you remember her right?) blog, and she put a video on there that was just what i needed to hear. Not saying it is what you need to hear but it might help. http://lauramikewalker.blogspot.com/2011/05/mother-day.html
keep it up Em, you are amazing!
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