Friday, August 19, 2011


I'm in the thick of my routine identity crisis.  Every couple of months I seem to take a stark look at my life and find myself wanting.  Lately I'm feeling painfully aware of all the childhood longings of mine that I gave up on all too easily.  I'm not very stubborn.  And I avoid confrontation like a plague.  This makes for one wishy-washy, peaceable, but perpetually disappointed lady.  I suppose I'm finally feeling old enough to put up a fight for getting what I want out of my life.  Only not older in a "grown up" way, older in a, "holy cow, I'm running out of time!" way.  It's far less pleasant.

gentleman and me

 So I've been "cleaning house" and finding solutions.  It's amazing how much work it is to find solutions when half of those solutions involve "who's going to watch my kids so I can______".  I purged most of my google reader to curb my internet time spending (in hopes of directing that time elsewhere), and am (yet again) working on some concise and direct mission statements and goals.  I've only got one life to live, and yet the dang thing seems to be perpetually wiggling out of my control.  I know I can't control most things, and I need to be flexible above all.  (Pretty sure that was the first and most pressing lesson I got out of motherhood)  But I've also got to take as much charge as I can and be a person who makes things happen.

Because in my world, friends, things just do not happen by themselves.  Not the serendipitous types of things anyway.  And when I want something, I have to want it with incredible tenacity to actually see it happen.

Patience, perseverence, and focus.  I think of the three I have patience down best.  The other two are next on my "to develop" list.

Please tell me I am not alone in this habit of regularly stumbling into critical self-evaluation?  Hopefully someday I will be able to feel a bit better about what I see.  I just need a backbone.

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