Thursday, January 10, 2013


I don't suppose it's surprising that the new year sneaked up on me. Or is it that the old year sneaked away from me?

2012 was beastly around here, folks.  It was full of wonder and blessings, but most of those blessings were the kind you choke on as you swallow.  And then there was an abundance of pure crap thrown in just to keep life messy.  In fact, the healthy and safe entrance of our baby Bunny into this world was the singular untainted high point of the year.  And if we're honest, that's plenty to make it a good year.

But if I'm honest, March through September of this year was a loss.  (Then throw in family drama to round out the year and it's all a rather sour memory.) I tried to be a halfway decent person while I was incapacitated by pregnancy, but by and large I failed.  Epically.

And so I find the new year hitting me at an oddly appropriate time.  I'm not much in the mood to ponder on the past year, because I know it was crap.  BUT I feel unbounded optimism for the future because there's hope for me to be able to function and use my agency and whatnot.  In 2013 I hope to be more of a human and less of a moaning beached manatee.

I hope to be more of a mother, and for my kids to spend WAY less time watching netflix than last year. I hope to get and keep my home in better order - in a "work smarter, not harder" sort of way.
I hope to get more art on our walls.
I hope to take some classes and acquire some skills.

Those ought to be resolutions rather than hopes, but if the last year has taught me anything, it's to recognize that I'm in a stage of life that involves a lot of letting go, control-wise.  Setting myself up to feel angry and deprived if things don't work out doesn't feel smart.  I'm learning to be kinder with myself, and it feels refreshing and healthy.

And so while a year doesn't seem nearly the long, ponderous space that it did before in my life, most of this coming year is still composed of question marks for me.  I don't have enough information to create realistc expectations, and so I'll create some lacy hopes instead.

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