Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Kicking It

Ah, she is just too much. I am so spoiled; it almost makes up for the 3 crazy boys who (are also cute, but) run me ragged. #welovebunny #vscocam #afterlight

  This summer is an interesting animal.  On the one hand I am about to dive into a bucket-list-grade adventure in the fall.  On the other hand I have not got much to show for the summer happening in the meantime.  In the space between my propulsion from the high dive and actually entering the water there is a silent sort of space.  I'm rather antsy about it.  Life with 4 kids always home all the time is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for people who want to be productive.  It may be some years before I learn to feel magical about summertime again.  Napping babies are sacred, and I'm prepared to canonize the sweet young women in my neighborhood who are doing a free dance camp for all the neighborhood kids.  I've had two hours every day this week to do glamorous things like folding laundry and spoon feeding Bunny without the usual steady stream of interruptions and cracker crumbs.

  My burdens are small if relentless, but I've had a summer so far where the trials of the people around me seem utterly stifling.  And several times a week when I think I can't possibly stand it all I get pummeled with another round of rough news from a totally unexpected corner of my life. I have such a long list of people I'm worrying about and praying for just now.  It's beginning to affect my ability to function.  I'm working on "letting go and letting God," but I am a genetic worrier.   I find I'm scrambling for unqualified positive energy.

And guess where I always find it?  All I have to do is walk into the room where Bunny is and she lights up like magic.  I can't get over how in love with me she is.  She's happy and she cheerfully goes to most people, but she clearly prefers my company.  Some days it's just the type of affirmation I need to get through the emotional wreckage.  I want Bunny to be a socially adroit little sunshine face, so I neither want nor expect to always be her fierce favorite.  But for just a short, short while, it's a tender mercy for me.

Sufficient as that is, the rest of the summer is welcome to take it easy.  The crisis quota has definitely been met.  Am I the only one out there who internalizes other people's trauma more than is maybe appropriate?  How does one get that under control without totally withdrawing emotionally anyway?   Also, besides emotional eating, how do people cope with emotionally raw stretches? I find I need some new ideas.

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