Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Epiphanies and drought


So when you find yourself not being the person you want to be, what can you do about it?
(And why do I start so many questions with "So"?)

I remember as a child I would chide my mother for her lack of gusto and imagination. I even took it upon myself to give her "imagination lessons" for a few years. (These consisted largely of tea parties and designing princess dresses on paper). I think I am turning into my mother, only I'm not a mother.... yet.

Where did the energy to be an all-the-way-alive person go? When did I get too tired to daydream? Why can I not get excited about little things like a full tank of gas, or a good parking spot? How did all my little extraordinary things become too ordinary to care about?

Am I really turning into this icky blah depressing person, or is it just the effect of surviving February? Or would it be a legitimate excise to say my pregnant self just doesn't have the energy? That just feels like such a lame excuse.

On the bright side I was able to be outside without a coat at lunch today.... and I was ecstatic about it. A rainstorm yesterday got rid of all the old crunchy snow, another happy thought. My ultrasound is in 8 days... and even if I can't seem to get as excited about it as I would like, I am looking forward to the relief of being able to plan (or at least form expectations) a little bit more once we know what we're having. Mr. Renn is getting all lit up just thinking about American Idol, and I'm looking forward to not having to be up before the sun is. (The sun is getting up earlier.... no luck for me on the getting up later front...)

If I keep thinking thoughts like these, maybe I can get myself back on track. If only I could keep from getting interrupted to do my job that I get paid to do....

Thinking green.

2 comments:

Tracy M said...

Nothing at all wrong with you- welcome to being pregnant.

Somewhere I read: The hormonal difference between a pregnant woman and a regular woman is GREATER than the hormonal difference between that regular woman and a MAN.

Going through this the third time, I can say, you honestly will feel like yourself again someday. (This is as much for me as for you! I need to be reminded, too!)

Chan said...

Once this whole pregnancy is over and you have a beautiful baby, you will feel so much better. There are the sleepless nights and motherly worries that come with a new baby, but really it is all worth it. You will have so many new happy thoughts in your life that you won't know what to do with them! Trust me. I had a hard time while I was pregnant and a little after I had Caden, but looking down at my new baby boy at 3 in the morning and seeing him look into my eyes was the greatest happy thought in the world! Hang in there Em! Hormones really aren't fun, but it will all go back to normal soon!:)

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