Tuesday, August 14, 2012

space case

Somehow I'm still finding myself incapable of coming back to reality, even though I've gone 2 whole weeks without puking.

I'm actually a million times more functional than I was in, say, April.  I don't even remember April.  Seething black hole right there.

But because I was so low for so long, and so many bad habits were formed, it's taking an incredible amount (i.e. ALL I can muster) of energy to do damage control and try to replace the bad with something better.  And somehow, that oldest child of mine continues to be an incredible whirlwind of entropy.  The child can destroy hours of cleaning and organization in the blink of an eye.  I AM trying to teach him to clean up after himself, in hopes that he'll be more cognizant - and maybe it will work.  But in the meantime I get to put in the effort of teaching him to clean up after himself AND of making sure he gets cleaned up after.  And when this kid had virtual free reign for a few months, that is just a confoundingly huge task.

Good New is (there is always good news) I can fathom being productive again.  My bootstraps are in sight.  School is starting in a few weeks.  Sir O got into the Spanish immersion program I was hoping for, and we found a preschool for the Captain 2 days a week.  If I can time our gentleman's naps just right, I may have nearly 4 hours a week to actually do something without a steady stream of interruption.  (You know, for 2 months, until we explode into newborn mode.)  I have enough energy to refuse to hyperventilate at the thought of taking care of a new baby on top of all the current lunacy.

I really need 2 of me right now - plus an able-bodied helper around just for the sake of bending over and picking things up off the floor.  One of me can give the kids somewhat undivided attention (divided amongst them) and make purposeful parenting choices, and the other me can do all the work involved in keeping this crazy household from falling apart.  I'm trying to be better about including the kids in my work, and when it comes to cleaning rooms in the house it works out ok.  But since none of them are actually able to be more help to me than work, things like cooking and laundry and dishes and projects turn kind of nightmare-ish when I'm trying to keep all the kids engaged in the work.  We'll have to see what evolves.

I guess the biggest step-up we've managed is that I've felt well enough to cook again.  I can squander time on pinterest and not feel assaulted by every culinary image, it's great.   On top of which both Renn and I have been feeling pretty motivated to eat healthier.  (He's telling everyone he knows to watch Forks Over Knives, and I concede it's the most compelling and nuanced food documentary we've seen).   So we've been wheedling meat and dairy out of our diet and trying new grains and consuming colossal amounts of produce.  (On top of eliminating processed foods, which we were already moderately good about.) It's actually been kind of fun trying to come up with things our kids will eat.  Granted, we're aiming for a gradual paradigm shift and not going cold turkey on anything.

I'm also beginning to panic about having reached my third trimester without doing a blessed thing to prepare for this baby.  I'm trying to formulate nesting plans that I can reasonable tackle in tiny bits and pieces in the next 2ish months.  I shake my fist at the sky a bit over the part where no matter how many kids I have, I never get to nest as a pregnant lady with any degree of satisfaction.  When your nesting instinct is as strong as mine it's a very emotional frustration.

My blood pressure has been low.  Way low.  This means lots of dizziness and near-fainting.  Imagine the havoc that wreaks on pretty much everything.  I can't even mop the kitchen floor without taking breaks.

AND.... I have a lot of photos from our family vacation to Moab last month that I need to write something around.  Just imagine the combination of pregnant lady prone to dizziness and fainting, and hiking in the desert with 3 kids.  I'm sure I was a hoot to watch.  I will document that as soon as I can muscle my way through the barrage of interruptions that have so far prevented me.

Thanks to all those who worry about me when I go missing for months on end.  I shall re-establish this habit somehow, sometime soon.

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